Mmmm …
Add lazily swaying hammocks slung between palm trees and imagine yourself sipping watermelon juice to the view from your bamboo verandah.
Stop. Stop. It’s all too much! I can’t afford desert island fantasies.
Ahh. But you can. Once you’ve scraped together your airfare, Paradise comes cheap, in Thailand and islands there are a-plenty. They’re not exactly deserted, however.
Paradise discovered, hey?
Yup. By two-week refugees from European winters: Scandinavians in hot pursuit of the sun; faces glowing red-brown and hair like polished brass; Israelis, fresh out of the army and bent on catching up on all they’ve long been missing; Germans, everywhere, all but waving their deutschmarks.
Sounds expensive.
You’ll find these the most egalitarian of Paradises. All budgets are catered for; from five-star resort complexes to bamboo shacks on the beach – all tastes too: booze, food, beach massage, sun, surf, diving and parties. You name it, the Thais will provide it.
I’m spoiled for choice. Narrow it down for me.
Alright. Here’s a sample then of three of these gardens of earthly delights.
The mainland embraces the Gulf of Thailand in a half-moon hug. The left arm extends into a long snaking peninsula which has the Andaman Sea at its funny bone and the Indian Ocean at its wrist.
Ko Phi Phi lies in the Indian Ocean, near the more notorious pleasure island of Phuket.
How’s that again?
Pronounced pee-pee, unfortunately, but the picture-postcard scenery does much to rise above the name. Hollywood obviously concurs. The movie Cutthroat Island was filmed nearby.
So go on, thrill me!
Vast enclaves of beach bungalows ring the bays. Yachts lie at rest in the turquoise shallows. Offshore, it’s diving heaven; onshore is a gourmet’s delight.
What was that about the food?
Ah. Prepare yourself for Thai curry and crab and one-kilogram lobsters, banana milkshakes and shark steaks. The island also offers continental cuisine as good as its local fare. There is a French restaurant, a Swiss bar, a patisserie.
Sounds like heaven.
A watery version. With water on both sides of them, the people of the southern peninsula are a sea-faring lot. Everything is shipped in by boat. Long boats hop between beaches and the smaller surrounding islands. Ferries do the longer trips to and from the mainland.
I’d better stock up on my seasick pills.
Well, if you’re off to Ko Pha-Ngan it would be a shame to miss the party.
Where’s that then?
In the Gulf of Thailand, on the other side of the peninsula. Don’t worry. You won’t need to know how to pronounce its name to get there It’s the home of the notorious Full Moon Party.
Why ‘notorious’?
Once a month, boatload after boatload of party animals are disgorged at the harbour. International DJs fly in from Europe, with the very latest in ambient, house, trance, jungle and handbag.
Handbag?
Handbag. I kid you not. The Thais sell falafel to the Israelis who deal acid to the crowds. There is a sign on the way to Hat Rin, the party beach. ENJOY PARADISE NATURALLY: WE PREFER NO DRUGS
Very polite.
No one seems to take any notice. E’s are abundant and the Speed Punch is a popular alternative to rum and coke.
So, what’s the party like?
Kerosene lamps daub the beach. People sell glow-in-the-dark necklaces and offer day-glo body painting to revellers in ‘70’s flares and Dr Seuss hats. Next morning, the nights festivities have taken their toll. As the sun climbs higher, bodies crawl to find merciful shade.
What about something a little less hazardous to my health.
If you just can’t party like you used to, a comfortable bus ride and short boat ride will deposit you on Ko Chang which lies on the other side of the Gulf.
Another tropical tourist attraction?
Not when I was there. Ko Chang in September is out of season. One long white beach stretches out of view; the bamboo beach huts and restaurants have shut up shop.
Out of season in the Garden of Eden?
The monsoon seasons are a law unto themselves and entirely unpredictable. Some regions have three seasons; other two. Do your research or risk a week of rain sitting in your rustic, candle-lit scrap of bamboo shack staring at the sodden beach.
Apart from the beach, what’s the attraction?
Ko Chang is the country’s second largest island and is as yet relatively unexploited. The air carries the swampy warmth of the jungle. Cambodia is just down the drag. Scenery out of Platoon and sea as warm as soup. This is one of the more exotic of Thailand’s tourist playgrounds.
So, how do I get there?
Although not direct, a 16-hour flight from Jo’burg to Bangkok will do it. Oh, and don’t forget to pack your flares.